Sticks and stones…

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” If this isn’t the biggest bowl of noodles I have ever tired to serve I don’t know what is. Bones can heal, but the jabs we take at each other can last a lifetime. The question is, “How destructive is verbal abuse?” Strong women are quick to say, “If he ever hit me I would…”, yet the same women will let a man she loves say the craziest things to her. And what is worst is she is comfortable saying hurtful things to him too. Now let me clear the air and give my disclaimer now. I am no saint and I have been known to say some off the wall things, but as I get older I am seeing the ramifications of my words and have made strides in improvement. The debate is this: “Is verbal abuse as detrimental as physical abuse?”

Here’s my take. The difference between throwing blows and hurtful words is that words can affect the way you feel about yourself which has a more detrimental affect on a person. The only person that can control you is you. Only you can give that control to someone else and you can take it away. If someone can influence the way you control yourself, then they are using you as a puppet to your own psyche. Verbal abusers usually establish themselves as the dominant relief. The abused usually looks to them for approval or justification. They usually try to please the abuser by seeking their approval or walking on egg shells to prevent the attacks. This is what gives the abuser power and usually combats an inner weakness. The insecurity of the abuser is set at ease by the victim’s actions. To control one’s actions is easy, but the limiting factor is what’s in their head. What are they plotting? What will they do when the enforcer is not around? These are the thoughts that scare an abuser so they (consciously or subconsciously) seek the ultimate power; the control of that person’s mind. “If I can’t control them when I am away, then I will create an arena in which they control themselves in order to establish my authority regardless of my presence.” The crazy thing about this is that African Americans have fallen victim to this type of abuse and have spread it to generations by teaching it to our kids.

Read the “Willie Lynch Letter and The Making of a Slave” (ISBN 0-94839-053-0) for further reference. The verbal and physical ramifications of slavery have allowed African Americans to mentally enslave themselves. The fear of an uprising slave forced the slave owner to seek the ultimate power; the control of our minds. After the mental control was established, there was no need for constant enforcing of that mentality because we taught it to our kids and they to theirs and they to us.

The biggest impact of verbal abuse is the affect it has on our kids, younger siblings, cousins and such. That is where the cycle continues and the framework is solidified. During slavery there were certain mentalities that were needed for survival and were passed through the generations. We have to start breaking these chains and we have to start with the youth. The damage we are doing is two sided b/c as we negatively control their minds we are also hindering positive development. The influence of words on adults can be undone with coaching and understanding, but when a child’s development is plagued with verbal abuse they develop abuse as a reference for normal behavior. In fact, anything outside of the abusive language is considered foreign.

Don’t get me wrong; you can’t sweet talk and be gentle with kids at all times. Children don’t need friends; they need parents and role models. There needs to be a strong discipline factor that is balanced with love. There is a difference between discipline and ridicule. One forms a sense of structure while the other weakens the foundation of that structure. For the kids that experience constant ridicule, it comes back later in life. It can come in the form of various mental, emotional, social and physical ramifications. What’s frustrating about this is that these developments don’t have a clear beginning which makes them hard to combat. It’s hard to know why you get so angry when a man calls you a bitch even though you know you are not one. It’s hard to know why a woman asking you if you have ever had homosexual relations makes you mad even though you know she is just protecting herself from the statistics. It’s hard to fix issues when we don’t consider them issues; when we consider them to be normal. What’s even worse is that we consciously and subconsciously pass this ‘trait’ on to our children by verbally abusing them and justifying it as discipline. Keep in mind, also, that verbal abuse around a child (if not directed to them) still influences the type of verbal abuse they accept as ‘normal’ and the type of abuse they will allow from and extend to others.

There is also the point that negative words affirm negative action. I am a firm believer in affirmations. “Speak on those things that are lovely and of good report.” Why? Because the power of words is tremendous. You can “speak things into existence”. “Ask and it shall be given to you…” We have been made in the image of God which makes us very powerful beings. Even outside of the religious context we know that every action (accept reflex) is triggered by a thought process that signals a response. Ergo, thought triggers action, action influences circumstance/environment, environment develops society and if those thoughts are negative, what type of society is developed? Either way you look at it—religiously or biologically—we are manifesting our own destiny with our words.

To sum it all up, this is my take. Verbal abuse is just as detrimental as physical abuse and in some cases it is worse because it can go undetected and unaddressed. It is hard to stop this type of abuse so it continues for years and through generations. It is not easy to stop this cycle and it does not mean that firm cadences aren’t needed at times, but taking the time to examine our words and use them to uplift each other will be far more advantageous in our community than we ever imagined.