The Danger of Empathy

What is more dangerous than a rational state of mind? An empathic rational state of mind. I like to think that I am a very rational person and this has been confirmed by others around me, but I think that my empathetic spirit is often over looked. Empathy and sympathy are very different and I rarely have sympathy for too many people in this world, but for some reason the Lord has blessed me with the gift to truly empathize with others.

When I was a young girl I hated this gift. It made me cry all the time and without the maturity to channel this frustration I was a hot mess. I also didn’t realize it was a gift. I just thought I was weird. Many people around me said that I was very mature for my age, which can be an accurate observation, but the desire to do childish things with the understanding of someone much older reflected my immaturity. I found myself funneling inward to avoid negative reactions to this gift. I was labeled a goody two-shoes, a tattle-tale and teacher’s pet and all together a looser. Luckily my family had given me a foundation that was able to sustain me until Junior High when I realized that people don’t want to hear what is best for them. If I didn’t give my opinions and didn’t express my understanding of more mature concepts to my friends, then I would fit in. I was normal, just like everyone else. What was even better was the fact that my understanding of most of the people around me allowed me to capitalize on things they were empathetic to. I could understand why the loners felt alone and what made the cool kids tick. This relation to the majority of people in my school catapulted me to a type of popularity I wasn’t used to. People knew me and no one really hated me. I can’t say I was the most popular person in school, but I was the girl that was just cool with everyone.

This shielding of my character and portrayal of an accepted figure continued much into college until I realized that I didn’t really care what other people thought of me. Maybe I went a little too far because I really didn’t care about what other’s felt even though I empathized with it. My built up frustration created a person that did what they wanted. The only time I cared about what someone felt when it wasn’t at the expense of me doing what I wanted to do. I was never completely rude, but I ignored my empathetic gift more than I should have. I was also exposed to another trait of my empathy; my vivid imagination. Because I can relate to others it also yields the ability to vividly describe a scenario in a way that simulates the same empathy for the listener. This is great for poetry and for story telling if the listener wants to hear it, but that wasn’t always the case. I often found my friends saying “You talk a lot” or “You should be a teacher b/c you describe things with A LOT of detail”. I soon began to Wear The Mask again and suppress my expressions.

As I grow into a woman I am learning a balance of empathy, rationality and comfort in my understanding. One thing that helped was the introduction to Dr. Derrick R. Finch. For the first time in my life I was introduced to a person who could create pictures with words as well as I could and didn’t tell me, “You talk too much” or “You describe things in too much detail”. The vibrant detail of my descriptions and stories were valued by Dr. Finch. He told me that the reason people get frustrated or don’t want to hear me speak is b/c they don’t want to hear me speak. He further explained that our society has a big issue with communicating b/c we talk to each other and get the message out as quickly as possible. When you do this, a lot is lost in the summarization and thus miscommunication is inevitable. “People don’t like to hear you speak because you are doing just that; you are speaking!” Derrick also introduced me to a circle of friends that had very similar values as he did. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like the only one in the world who made sense. There are people in the world who fulfill Kaizen because they expect the best, who are open to hear change even if it’s toward them and who actually challenge me to speak (instead of sighing at my detailed stories). This feeling also gave me the confidence to know that maybe I can open up to other people b/c there are people in the world who won’t think I’m weird or that i talk too much, but will empathize with me; finally.

Since Derrick’s passing a lot has changed. The circle dwindled into a memory and I am realizing so many of the things he taught me that I didn’t understand while he was here. But there have been good changes too. In attempts to insure that his death doesn’t destroy my psyche) I am doing a lot of self-analysis and learning a lot about who I am. My dynamic pursuit of virtuosity has made me into a pretty decent person. I’m not going to lie, I have A LOT of work to do, but I am only 23 and I should still be developing into a woman. I am not supposed to have it all figured out. I am not perfect, but I am pretty off the chain for 23. I see my faults and I see my strengths. I am happy with the direction I am going because I can also see my future. This is not conceit, but rather confidence that has manifested from the foundation established by my parents, the experiences in my life, the friends who have touched my heart forever and the gift of empathy that the Lord has blessed me with.

Who is more dangerous than a rational state of mind? Me.